It is hard to imagine that just one week ago today I walked into Island Emergency Room in a life crisis. It has been a blur. I lost all track of time as the lights were always on and procedures being done to try and save my life. I have touched the face of death. I didn’t like it, but it is not some ugly word that can’t be mentioned like your grandma’s poopie panties.
I was very down last night after fighting and fighting and being given more and more bad news. I have been poked and cut on so many times that I really don’t feel the pain any more. It seemed for certain, at times, I would never leave this hospital alive.
Today was a turning point of sorts, but I have to put that into perspective. It is not like the flu that when you turn the corner, soon you will be be well. It is that I think I’ve turned the corner from acute death-zone and moving into the long haul. Getting better yesterday was like trying to unicycle to the moon. Today, the fight to get better, is more like trying to climb Mount Everest. So, there is a difference as I have climbed small mountains . . . but could not even balance on a unicycle, and certainly not to the moon.
After a day of dialysis, yesterday, bringing the poisons of renal failure down by 1/2 (Creatinine of 7 now), I have felt some better than I have in a few weeks, although side effects from mega doses of steroids has masked some of that benefit.
As I mentioned earlier, I had my first round of plasmapheresis today. I did well (some people don’t tolerate it so well). I have had visitors today, Denise of course, Ramsey and Tyler and an old colleague.
So I feel my spirits lifted a bit.
I was thinking about the Ross and Kessler’s Five Stages of Death (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), this morning. I’ve never been one to color inside the lines and those steps make no sense to me anymore. I don’t think I ever have been in denial. From the moment I saw my lab results I knew that death was imminent and I had to accept that. I said goodbye to my family. I have never felt angry. If I were to die through this, yes, I would be greatly disappointed. But angry at who? I didn’t do anything wrong. No one did anything to me to cause this. The doctors did the best they could. This was certainly not some great plot by God to ruin my life, so I just don’t get the anger part. Maybe some people have anger in place of disappointment. Okay, depression, I can accept as real.
Oops, I’m slipping into a blog again and I’m sorry.
I really appreciate those who want to visit. Please e-mail us first. I am still undergoing procedures daily plasmapheresis or renal dialysis in my room, each lasting 4 hours and is under sterile technique so visitors are not encouraged. The really big help is prayer and helping my family. I don’t think they need much in the order of food or even visits. Denise has a typical “do-list” that’s a mile long and it is on her mind. Ask her what you can do to take something off that list. Press her even if she says she has it all taken careof. She is exhausted. That would be a great help.
OUR SPECIFIC PRAYERS:
I am still making pee on a normal basis. However, my labs say my kidney’s are dead. If my kidneys can recover in time, weeks, months, it would not only add to my quality of life but make the treatment of my cancer easier. We have not given up hope for my kidneys.
My official bone marrow biopsy is due back tomorrow. It will tell the specific type of MM I have and how severe it is. Please pray for the best outcome.