UPDATE:9/14/19-B

I want to apologize for the post I did yesterday. While everything I said was true, and I waited 24 hours after I got bad news to let the emotions settle down, I think I still posted from a very discouraged and raw place. I know that I am struggling with depression over all of this.

My latest book, and I’m trying to read or listen to two per week, came to me as an award winning nonfiction recommendation per the search engine I use to find audible books. I did not know this, until I started listening to it, that it is the true story of a woman in her early 40’s who had terminal cancer. I don’t know her mental state at the end, but in the beginning, she felt that it was important to have two personas. The first was the one the public saw, which she wanted to project as a confident, fearless . . . “I’m gonna kick cancer’s ass” attitude. But the other one, was the real her and she worried constantly and deeply about the tests numbers, the ones that were telling her if she was going to live or die.  The real her was also quite–but reasonably–depressed. The real her was no better off than me.

I don’t want to create two personas, one with a smile and “correct attitude” toward the world, fate or God, and the other one the real me. But with that said, I will try to process information for a few days next time before I try to write.

For me, the rational me, I find it beneficial to not just pray, but to meditate, to try and relax, and to do research. I trust the numbers (statistics), which can’t be applied at the individual level, but can give hope to the hopeless. I reviewed the other treatments this morning and the over-all hope that I can make it 4-5 years, at which time I do think a cure will be available.

I immediately am praying that my red and white blood cells will increase so that I can function better, that my bone marrow biopsy will show minimal or no cancer (we already know cancer is there somewhere because it is still making bad protein) and that the low dose chemo will keep it at bay.  Thanks for all your kind words.

P.S. I don’t write these (last time) sob stories as “comment bait” or for pity, but it is my personal venting. Maybe I should type it up and burn it.

Mike

 

15 responses to “UPDATE:9/14/19-B”

  1. Staci Avatar
    Staci

    You do not need to apologize!! Please remember the wonderful, compassionate and caring medical professional that you are….remember how many of us you helped just by listening….when others told us it was all in our heads (literally and figuratively) you never did, when others told us (me) that there were no more treatment options, you said “yes there is, we will keep trying”! Be as kind to yourself as you have been to all your patients, to whom you became a beacon of hope and a believer in our symptoms and feelings. You are a wonderful person and medical professional, be just as wonderful to yourself. Many MANY continued prayers for you!

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  2. C Avatar
    C

    You write whatever you want to write and I will read it.

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  3. Deb Avatar
    Deb

    Mike, I appreciate your honesty. What you and Denise are going through is so very daunting and unimaginably difficult. Clearly from the comments posted by others, you and Denise are very much loved. And for everyone that has posted, I’m sure there are many more who are reading your posts and are holding you up daily in their thoughts and prayers, too. Your updates help us to know how to pray. Thank you for letting us come alongside of you in this small way.

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  4. Craig and Beth Clark Avatar
    Craig and Beth Clark

    I know I personally received your last writings just as it was sent- raw, honest, and of the moment. Don’t ever apologize for that. I understand the need for processing- Beth and I made a pact to wait 24 hours before responding to something troubling because we aren’t in a good frame of mind initially. React versus respond. That said, we prefer raw honesty any day, and we are safe venting territory, so keep it real brother. Still praying and hoping. Craig and Beth

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  5. S. in B. Avatar
    S. in B.

    Reality needs no apology. I’m glad you’re not trying to make things appear more hopeful than you are experiencing them. Your candor has always been something I’ve valued most about you, Mike. The way you ended that post really brought it home…esp. since I know you wouldn’t post something like that unless it was how you really were feeling strongly (perhaps not for the first time?). And hey, didn’t Job express the same feelings? And God saw to it that it got published…somewhat more widely than this blog…

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  6. kpbrown25 Avatar
    kpbrown25

    Keep being real, I know I for one appreciate it. Just wish it were better as does everyone

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  7. EffieJo Lindstrom Avatar
    EffieJo Lindstrom

    I appreciate and am thankful that you write at times from a “raw” place. It is real and your gift of sharing puts words sometimes to feelings I can’t.
    The choice to read or not is our own. So I don’t mind if it’s hard for the readerif you want to say what’s on your mind and heart. You don’t need to add a filter of time or whatever for me when you share. Blessings to you Mike
    EffieJo

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  8. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Please don’t burn! Whenever I am trying to maintain two personas I find I am using up energy that could be put to better use. Your true self is the Mike we want to know, love and support however possible.

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  9. BevB Avatar
    BevB

    Don’t waste any time/effort apologizing, just write.

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  10. ekboardman57 Avatar
    ekboardman57

    “Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

    No apologies needed here. Ever.

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  11. K.Dalseg Avatar
    K.Dalseg

    Mike, in the years that I have known you, you have always been a man of honest, true Godly character and you will always hold yourself to that standard, you are who you. We are blessed to be part of your deep raw sharing and privileged to be praying for you and Denise.

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  12. eric holden Avatar
    eric holden

    Mike – I do appreciate these updates and keep you in my prayers daily.

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  13. annhmeyers Avatar
    annhmeyers

    Dear Mike,

    I have been thinking so much about you in the last 24 hours and I can’t imagine how you feel in light of your recent news. I can only barely understand the devastation.

    Last night we attended University Pres. in Seattle and heard the best (and the most challenging) sermon on prayer. I thought about you through the whole sermon and wondered, when someone is facing devastating medical news, how would they feel about this challenging message. It might be interesting for you to listen to it and I would be interested in your thoughts afterward. If you can you might want to watch the video so you can see the slides the senior pastor references on the definitions.

    Here is the link to the sermon and then click on: “Thank God for unanswered Prayer.” Denise might be interested in this as well?

    https://www.upc.org/media/sermons

    Thinking about you and praying for the light of some good news in the rest of your results.

    Ann Ann Hutchinson Meyers Annmeyers@gmail.com 210-213-0320

    “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

    >

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  14. Barbara Hammond Avatar
    Barbara Hammond

    Oh Mike..I agree with everyone here! Don’t ever apologize for who you are or how you are feeling. This is YOUR blog! I understand second thoughts though, as there was part of a comment here on your blog I wanted to delete and realized I could not. I guess when we are opening ourselves up to others and being real, we make ourselves vulnerable. But I’d rather be liked..or not.. for the real me than a fake me. Not everyone is going to like what we say or how we express ourselves but none of us has time to worry about that. Keep being you..keep writing. Keep trying to hang onto hope..I’m happy some of your emotions have calmed down and you are meditating some and researching. l’ll keep doing the only thing I can..praying for you. I’d be interested in knowing the title of the book you mentioned here if you don’t mind sharing. My friend who is fighting Cancer uses that mantra ‘Kicking Cancer’s Ass’ all the time. But she also openly shares her worry and all her discomforts not only about herself but regarding her daughter Sam. Many of us have found that when people share their truth, their research and all the things they’ve tried on this journey..their fight can help so many others who may also be fighting or who may need to one day. So please keep sharing.

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  15. Joan M Peterson Avatar
    Joan M Peterson

    I so agree with all the other comments here. No apologies needed or wanted. Be as open, honest, and authentic as you can be and hopefully you can continue to find this a safe outlet for processing. May you continue to find nourishment and healing from the beauty of nature around you and may your meditation bring you to the quiet stillness of your sacred heart.

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J. Michael Jones

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