I wish I could say how much we sat around and enjoyed listening to the great singer and having a great time, but I mean something else. From his American Pie record, Don says, of the day music died, “Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn’t take one more step.” There sometimes comes a time when there is a bad-news exhaustion.
It has become a ritual, for the past exhausting week, that each night doctors come in to explain that things are worse than we had hoped. Despite starting dialysis today, and suffering through all the procedures to prepare for that, the nephrologist report seems grim. It would take almost a full miracle to get any renal function back, yet we still fight.
I can imagine a life on dialysis if that is the hand that I’ve been dealt. I can still write books, my real passion. I could sit on my deck, writing, enjoy my family, and then go to the dialysis center three times a week.
The discouraging thing is that renal disease is not my biggest problem, it is Multiple Myleomna (I will call MM from now on). It is much harder to treat and to save someone with MM and no kidneys, so I’ve read.
So having keeping my chin up all day, after the doctor left, my spirit was completely defeated. Denise and Ramsey were with me and they did not fair much better, especially witnessing my lost of strength.
I don’t know my destiny. Most people want to live to their ripe old age and now I must adjust to that great disappointment if my cards are not so deal.
I asked my doctor for one just one bit of good news. She gave a stoic smile. Finally she said, you still make some pee. But, from chemistry standpoint, my kidneys are toast. Transplant is not an option as long as I have MM.
I haven’t had time to do my own research as I am still quite ill. Taking a walk a day is big. Having one hand free from tubes and procedures gives me no chance. Maybe I will hear something positive, something small. Yes, I believe that God is there and that He loves me. No, I’m not bitter, but so disappointed. But when there is no good news, hope soon expires.
I will try to get some rest in the morning. Then in the afternoon I will endure a 4 hour session of removing plasma from my blood, the bad plasma which is clogging up my kidneys. Then I may get the bone marrow report back to let me know how severe of disease I have. I have no expectations of good news. Then I will start aggressive chemo and then back to dialysis, the next day.
Well, I said I wasn’t going to turn this into a blog, but then there you go. Sorry. I will try to refocus on just updates.