This is one of the most difficult posts I’ve made here in my fifteen-year history of blogging. What you are reading, if this makes it to “press,” will be the fourth rendition of this article—me trying my best to write in a clear, concise, and a gracious manner. I’ve had a lot of emotions entangled with this topic and emotions—as great as they are—can skew reality and that is the last thing I want. This may sound trite at first, but there is something I think I need to say so I will try this once again. This may get long so I will give you a quick summary if you don’t want to read the entire thing.

Summary

Once again, I’ve had someone, someone for whom I have a great deal of respect, confront me, that my faith is not legitimate, based on things I’ve written here in my blog. For that reason, I will end my ramblings here for good. I will still write about my health, about my fictional writing (if I resume it) and other noncontroversial topics. It is too painful for me to continue with the ramblings. I never meant for any of them to be a personal attack on someone’s spirituality but only as support for those disillusioned with Christianity, criticising broad systems. Some have taken offense. I am deeply sorry for that.

In coming weeks, I will create a Vlog (video blog) for those people disillusioned with Christianity or just curious about my views and are comfortable with provocative topics. It will be brutally honest. My life is short and I need some place to express my views for those people who want to hear. As long as I have a single viewer, I will continue the series. As a hermit, sometimes such videos and my podcasts, are to me as the volleyball, “Wilson” was to Tom Hanks. Please do not watch those videos if you feel threatened by my thoughts. Please, for the love of God, if you are coming here to support me in my journey with cancer, stop the hate mail; the two are incompatible. To the rest, the vast majority of supportive people, I am deeply grateful for your support and friendship.

The Story

A few weeks ago, I published an article here along the lines of Where is God When there is Suffering. I wrote that article after brainstorming with a church committee about that topic for an upcoming Sunday School program. I posted my thoughts here with the intention of helping others who are trying to merge the idea of a powerful and loving God with human suffering.

A few days later, one of my blog followers, approached me in person with the article in his hand and confronted me with a list of my grave theological failures. I sensed anger in his tone. What was most poignant about his rant against me was him implying that my relationship with God was not authentic, because I use philosophical terms and reason and don’t like religion. I heard him saying that a true relationship with God is irrational, religious, and spiritual, not by pursuing truth and reason, so my relationship with God, I assume, is “of the flesh” (my term) and fake.

This was profoundly painful for me for several reasons, and I will take the blame for some of those reasons below. Last night was the first time I’ve slept well in two weeks and I have too much on my plate right now to have even more stress. I never saw this coming. I was ambushed.

The first reason this was difficult for me is that this man’s attack was just the latest in a thirty-three-year history of me being the punching bag for religious people. Dozens of them. It is the same recurrent theme, my relationship with God doesn’t count because it is rational, God an irrational mystic (this view represents our post modern world). I’ve been brutalized by prior pastors (who barged into my house to yell at me in front of my kids) and other religious people. I’m little shell-shocked from these nasty confrontations. Old evangelical friends who “lovingly” tell me I’m bound for hell. A neighbor who wrote me that she hoped I died from my cancer and went to hell for not going to her church, the only true church on our island. This gauntlet started when I left evangelicalism in 1990. I am so, so tired of it! I just don’t get religious cruelity.

I rejected evangelicalism for many reasons, most importantly for what I precieved as dishonesty and dis-interest in factual truth. I now call that world “Barbie Land.” If you are an evangelical you might feel like I’m using you as my personal punching bag, but I’m not. This is not personal and I respect you as an individual, while critical of the movement. Christianity is failing in western civilization and I think the irrelevance and mischief of the church is the major reason, and to that I’m critical.

The second reason this has been so painful for me is, just as I stated in that article on suffering, my relationship with God is profoundly powerful and beyond what I though was humanly possible. Those years of living here as a hermit with only God, my Saint Bernard, and occasionally an exhausted and over-worked wife—me on that boundary between living and dying—were incredible! My love of creation has been part of that as is my pursuit of factual truth about reality. If God exist, he lives within reality, doesn’t he? Not in a forest of farce. Not in some lame circus side show of smoke and mirrors and card tricks.

A religious person can tell me they were praying or meditating and had a deeply moving mystical experience that is counted as “spiritual” and proof that they have a good relationship with God. I competely accept that. But when I look at a photo from the James Webb Telescope of our distant cosmos and am moved to tears, sobbing in awe, trying to comprehend a God that can arrange such a vast reality, that doesn’t count. Unspiritual, so I assume.

Religious people would certainly claim I didn’t have a real relationship with God if they knew my secret, shhhh . . . (that I returned to God from atheism in the mid-1990s by observing complex mathematics, classical music, fine art, human consciousness, and the problem with origins.) I believe the personal God used those things to draw me to himself. Us, thinkers are NOT children of a lesser god or spiritual invalids! I am so sick of being told my faith is unauthentic because I engage my brain. Where did the human brain come from? The devil? There must be a narrow place within the church somewhere for us. That is my only cause.

My Responsibility for this Problem

I must acknowledge that I understand why many religious people feel threatened by me and thus feel that they must lash out in retribution. Much of this is my fault, and for that I am truly sorry. I have great candor. I speak in provocative terms. I am a critic of the establishment, but I hope in the same spirit as Martin Luther (both the original and his namesake of the 1960s). However, I know I come across as proselytizing to the believers, those who hold these institutions dear. I am not. Never have been. I am deeply sorry for that confusion.

I have never doubted the personal relationships with God of the staunchest believers in conservative evangelicalism or the post-modern “new age” spiritualists. I would never ever try to tell them that their relationship with God is a fraud, because how the hell would I know? I don’t believe that in my heart. I respect so many people from different worldviews, from evangelical to atheist, because I’ve held those worldviews at one time or another. No, I don’t believe that truth is relative, but I know we humans must strive to find truth, and never with complete certainty. So, while I may come across at times as arrogant or critical, the real me is uncertain, humble, and often full of self-doubt. (But doubt is the first step on the long road to truth, isn’t it?)

Why I do Ramble?

I must review once more the history of this blog. I started it under the name The Christian Monist circ. 2007. It was intended for post-evangelicals such as myself. I had a small following of about 100 people. We were on the same page. They were either near the backdoor of the church, or already had left. Many churches give these people two options, stay inside of Barbie Land, a land of irrationality, smoke, mirrors, or go to atheism. But I was writing to agree with their observations about certain brands of Christianity and to write about a third rail, or other path beside the fore mentioned two. That’s all. No one was offended by the most shocking articles that I wrote.

Then, when I thought I had said enough to say to that group, in 2018 I decided to turn my blog into one about fictional writing. This was my new ambition (while I had published many nonfiction articles and a few books). Before I even got started, I became desperately ill and too weak to navigate commercial on-line writing blogs for people on a cancer journey, so I simply wrote on my new writing blog. To my great surprise, at one time almost 500 people joined to find out what was going on with my health. I feel deeply indebted to their support and am humbled.

As I began feeling better, I started to write about writing, and my new books. I also started to write as I had on my Christian Monist for years. Unfortunately, to some of the newcomers, they interpreted that I was now having a crisis of faith because of my cancer. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Others took great offense at criticism of their faith (not intended) and would occasionally write me hate mail that other viewers can’t see. But my message was never intended for them and that was my mistake. It was never a personal attack. My message is still intended for those who are disillusioned with Christianity.

My Response

One of other reasons this latest episode has been so painful is that my relationship with this person who confronted me has been so good. Four years a good friend. Until now, he has been very kind to me. He is a good man. I don’t know how our friendship can survive this though, how do you sit across the table from someone who dose not respect you, your thoughts or relationship with God? I will have to figure that out. I sincerely assume his relationship with God is fantastic. No reason to doubt that.

I am an emotional guy. With this latest episode, I was ready to shut down this blog. I am only peripherally involved with a local church, but I was ready to leave the organized church for good. Some days I think if I had left the church in 1990 my spiritual and emotional health would be much better today. Or maybe if I had moved to the Anglican, Orthodox, or Catholic churches. This was not the first individual from my local church to attack me, to try and disqualify my relationship with God, because of my views expressed on this blog.

Since I have virtually few friends, my fault, and the fault of my disease, I am ready to return to the full life of a hermit. My Saint Bernard, Greta has never doubted me . . . unless I run out of treats.

I’m still not sure what I will do. The problem with completely leaving my local church is that there are so many good people there. Great pastor. People better than me. Even this guy who rebuked me is a better person than me. The church does good work in the community as well.

At least I will stop my ramblings here. I am working on creating a YouTube channel for my ramblings, while still intended for the doubters leaving the Christian church in droves, I’m sure such a channel will also invite hate mail from around the word. Lord, I hope not. I’ll keep you posted.

In Grace,

Mike