I love smashing things to see what’s inside. I love deconstructing ideas to get to the truth. Love is one of the most abused words in the English language. I started to think about love as I was finishing my last series. I am not superstitious, but it was remarkable that my pastor preached on love Sunday, and like always, it was a thoughtful sermon. However, I want to take this to the next level by examining what these words mean with great candor.

Story Time

A few years ago, I was talking with a Christian friend who thought I shared his perspective. I do not. He was sharing with me what he had done “for Christ.” He had worked hard to ban gay marriage in his state. He was working to get any mention of LGBTQ out of their schools. He blocked a gay couple from buying a house in their neighborhood, encouraging his company not to hire a gay man, and made it clear that his family does not watch any show, a movie, or even the news that mentions gays.

After listening to him, I said the obvious, “Sounds like you hate gay people.”

He was startled. “No! I love everybody . . . it’s God who hates gays.”

I think he and I have different views on the meanings of love and hate. What would real love look like?

Why Love is Important Regarding Those Leaving Christianity

When I was in a Christian group as a teenager and in college, the song, They Will Know We Are Christians by Our Love, was one of our favorites (see below).

This song was, of course, based on a passage in the Bible, John 13:34-35 A new command I give you: love one another as I have loved you, so, you must love one another by this all men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another . . .

Looking back, even in college, I had the feeling that our brand of Christianity was already entering the era of culture wars, them vs us. During the twentieth century, the secular society was becoming more secular, and in response, the Christians were circling their wagons against the “other,” those outside the faith. For example, the next eight years, through college and graduate school, the only non-evangelical friends I had were pseudo-friendships with a hidden agenda for me to convert them. We were discouraged from having true, loving friendships with non-evangelicals, fearing that their “depravity” would wear off on us. Didn’t Jesus mean that we are to only love other Christians, like us?

In other words, I used these people without their knowledge to save them from hell. But with more candor, I think I used them mostly to look spiritual to my other evangelical friends. I would tell our Christian group, “I met this pagan named Joe playing basketball. I’m going to hang out with him for a while, then pounce on him with the gospel.” I could feel the admiration of the Christian group. I loved that, but I didn’t love the friend. You don’t love friends that you use for show.

It didn’t matter that we didn’t love these pretend friends, because when we sang this song, we thought this “love” was only applicable toward other evangelicals, not to outsiders.

In a Pew Research Center report in 2023, evangelicals were the least admired religious group in America, where 74% of Americans either didn’t know enough about them (44%) or disliked them (27%). The only group that had a favorable view of evangelicals was other evangelicals. All other religious groups have a net favorable view.

I have looked for the reason for the unfavorable view, but I can not find it even with AI’s help. There are opinions, such as judgmental attitudes and their confidence that they are speaking for God. However, I could not find reliable data. I know from my own experiences (which is not scientific), speaking with secular people, “love” is not the first thing they think of when they think of Christians. It is more likely who the Christians hate. So, I think it would make more sense today if the song said, “They will know we are Christians by our hate, make no mistake, they will know we are Christians by our hate.”

What Does Love Look Like?

The Greek language was much more descriptive for some things than English including love. Here are just some of the words:

Eros = passionate / sexual

Agape = selfless / unconditional

Ludus = playful, joking, teasing

Philia = friendship / admiration

Storage = instinctual / familial

Philautia = Healthy self-Love

Pragma = Enduring / understanding (not easily offended or misunderstanding another)

The words most often used in scripture are, of course, Agape and Philia, but Romans 12:10, uses philostorgos (a derivative of Storage), Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves

2 Timothy 2:3 uses Philautia as an unhealthy love, referring to the end times. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,

To make this practical to my point, going forward, I want to look at what agape really means in our lives. I may contrast it to other imitators.

This is important to my quest because the loss of this concept of true agape is one of the key reasons people are leaving Christianity. On the other hand, one of the key reasons for believing in Christ is his revolutionary idea of agape toward others.

I came back to the Bible a few years after I had left Christianity. I tried to remove all my cultural presuppositions before I read. I was profoundly impressed by what this kind of love would do to heal the world. How well the world would work if we had this type of love. It was just one of many things that proved to me that Jesus was the son of God.

In the next post, I hope to make this deeply personal and practical.

Respectfully, Mike